Similar to the weather outside, the way I feel tonight can be summed up in just three words (a rare occurence - for my mood, not for the weather): partly cloudy skies. I'll explain: if you've read my entries in the past, you'll notice I've been a little, well, pissy as of late. It's just that there are so many things to worry about, you know? But I finally understand the REAL reason I've been so depressed lately, and like the weather and my mood, it too can be summed up in just three words:
I HAVE NOTHING.
When I say I have nothing, I'm not talking about material things. I'm talking about things that I never knew mattered, things that actually do matter. What I mean is, I have nothing to depend on. I think I need Jesus or something. I need something I can hold onto that won't leave me when I need it the most - or when I need it the least. I need something to believe in. I have a family, but I don't even feel like I belong to them, which is sad (and not at all meant as a insult to them; actually, I'm sure it reflects quite badly on myself). I have my friends, but these are not people that I can depend on. Besides, it's been my experience that friends come and go - relatively quickly). I wish I could say I have some sort of faith or belief, SOMETHING that I can truly call my own, but alas, I don't even have that. I mean, I do believe there's a God, but that's about as much as I can grasp, and I don't know what to do with it. I was raised Pentecostal-Apostolic, but I've always been afraid to really believe in it as much as my (mother's side of the) family does, because it would call for some heavy-duty changing on my part and I'd have to give up certain, um, things and I don't wanna. It just seems like it asks so much of a person, Pentacostalism (is that even a word?) and Apostolicism (what about that?). And that's scary to me.
What else sucks is that my boyfriend hasn't called in two days (Tuesday he was at the store and said he'd call me back, but that was the last I've heard of him). I'm worried about two things: a) Did something happen to him, and B) Is he CHEATING?! God, Jealousy is SO unattractive.
On a lighter note, I recieved a call from the library offering me a job :) . And of course, I accepted. It's my first job, and I start next week...so wish me luck (and peace, PLEASE wish me peace; and sanity). And that should do the trick.
Posted by satcfan18
at 6:36 PM EDT
